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Saturday, February 21st, 2004
11:56 pm - hi.
uh. yeah. hi. i think i'm going to start this up again. i kind of went columbia, got married, got divorced and now i'm ready for something simple, so lj will do. i have lot of stories to tell too. so here we go again.

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Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
9:57 pm - sneaky blind dates
it's been raining all week, pouring really, so the construction on the river had to be put on hold. we've stayed inside the hut, sketching and planning for the next river, which will be in mississippi. i haven't decided if i'm going to travel for that one or not.

tom has been planning my spectacular dinner party. it will be this saturday, and he's making it the hippest thing. good thing. i'm anything but hip. he personally called ked to invite him, and he said ked practically slobbered on the phone agreeing to go. the finacee is coming, too. melissa. i didn't know there were people over the age of 18 named melissa. then again, i'm a martha and who knew there were people under the age of 50 named that?

tonight, it's drinking again. i can't help but order girly drinks. i'm going out with tom, his friend kallie and her friend brian. i have a feeling i'm being set up with brian because tom and kallie have just talked him up like he's a beauty contestant. i don't know how i feel about being set up. my hair won't behave in this humidity, and i don't want to meet new people with my curls in a fright wig.

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Sunday, July 13th, 2003
4:58 pm - my own
tom's analysis, over coffee (mine black, his a liquid pastry): meet the fiancee. i thought this was absurd at first, but apparently tom thinks i have some leftover ked issues, and that the only way to eliminate them is to meet the new girl. and i'm supposed to do this, apparently, by throwing my own dinner party.

tom is nuts. but he promised to plan it.

i smoked three cigarettes during lunch and consumed half a peach that tasted slightly vinagery. i've got to get my mind on something else.

i wonder if he picked up the rosary from the tomato garden?

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1:22 am - wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf
i don't know where to begin.

last night's party had a theme. the theme was "welcome home, ked." the proper response to that is: wtf?

i walked in, late, to a small gathering of people, all beautiful, all seemingly dressed in gold and black, crowded around a central figure. the crowd parted a little when i walked in, and there stood ked.

it felt like a fucking movie. apparently, he's back from columbia, and his mother just assumed we kept in contact, so i was apparently automatically supposed to know that this was no ordinary dinner party. well, that's the nice way to believe it. i think she knew i wouldn't come if i knew the real purpose behind the party. as much as i missed him, i didn't want to see ked again. she knew that.

ked sat across from me during dinner. i couldn't look at him. i could tell he was trying to get my attention, but thankfully, his overly chatty aunt next to me decided this was the moment to tell me about her new gardening business. i happily listened.

i don't want to go into why seeing ked was not a happy occasion right now. sometime later, i will.

after dinner, i tried to feign a headache, but his mother grabbed my elbow and pushed me into the den, right next to ked. the she vanished. he smiled broadly at me; i looked at my shoes (fucking good shoes, too, but yeah).

he asked me how med school was. when i told my shoes that i had left med school, he told me he already knew, his ma had told him. why ask then?

i was shaking so badly. i turned to leave and he totally did the movie grabbing my arm saying my name bit. but i didn't give in like movie people do. i wrenched my elbow out of his palm, and walked slowly into the kitchen without looking back. i found my coat and my purse and i snuck out the back door.

i don't smoke (anymore), but i keep emergency cigarettes in case, so i stood out in the tomato garden, puffing away. there were a few people out there, doing the same, but i wasn't interested in conversation. just as i was stubbing out my cigarette and trying to figure out the best escape route, there was ked. just.like.a.fucking.movie.

god damn, he was tan. columbia does that to a boy. i told him i had to go, and he said, "i got you something, please don't leave, let me give it to you." and out of curiousity, i stayed and he took this rosary out of his back pocket, like he had been carrying it around. he put in my hand and told me it had been blessed.

and then. AND THEN. his next words were, "you need to meet my fiancee. i think you'd like her."

WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF

i dropped the rosary into the tomatos and then i turned around and walked to my car. he said my name once, and then when i got the streelight and managed a peek back, i couldn't see him anymore. but i don't know if that was the shadows or if he had really gone.

his mother is going to kill me for not saying goodbye. but: WTF? that's all i can think. my head's been spinning for two days. ked, back from columbia, engaged.

when i got back from the party, lissa and adrianne were asleep. i smoked another cigarette, and then i read until i fell asleep, still in my dress.

i woke up this morning with round grooves on my hand. i guess i had been white knuckling the rosary.

tomorrow, i am going out with my best friend tom, and we're going to analyze this. but for now, it's back to sleep. after another cigarette. i stopped smoking the day ked left for columbia. and here i am again.

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Friday, July 11th, 2003
7:36 pm - !
shit. the asset-showing dinner party is tonight, not tomorrow. how did i hear that incorrectly? in fact, it's in exactly two hours, and it's an hour away. what am i doing typing on here? fuck! i wasn't mentally prepared for this yet. ked's pictures will be littering the walls. people will ask questions about where i ran to, and why i quit med school.

breathing, breathing, breathing.

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4:41 pm - my assets
it rained all day. work was cancelled on account of the vw bus. i've spent most of the morning catching up on paperwork, sketches and e-mails.

it was strange that i was talking about ked yesterday because his mother called me last night. i was always very close with her, and i'm surprised i didn't keep in touch with her after ked left for columbia. she looks too much like him, i think. same weird brown hair and crooked smile. she invited me over for some dinner party tomorrow night. i was told to dress fancy, show off my "assets." haha. i'm going. it'll be strange - i haven't returned to that part of town in over a year, and i have no idea who'll i see again. i ran away from there, actually. i hope to god i don't see my own mother.

tonight, lissa and i are going out drinking. i'm not good at drinking. i don't know what to order, and then i half gulp the drink all night.

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Thursday, July 10th, 2003
1:54 pm - vw bus
i'm on my lunchbreak. we found an old vw bus in the river today, but we had to call in the cops before we could do anything in case of dead bodies and such. it stopped work for four hours, so i sat around sketching for my new project, which i don't want go into cuz i'll jinx myself.

i cut my finger on the compass, and couldn't find any bandages, so now i'm trying to eat my sandwich with an old towel wrapped around my hand.

i'm feeling...dissonant.

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12:32 am - sleepless
i just wrote this huge entry and it got erased. fuck it. it's not worth it to write it again - it was insomniac ramblings.

i did talk about ked, though. how i want to miss him and how i refuse. he's in columbia. the last time i saw him i was wearing his yale sweatshirt (he didn't go there, he just had the shirt) standing in his mother's tomato garden. the tomatos were wilting off the vine because his ma last interest, whatever that means. he was tan from working at the river. we didn't even hug, no handshake - he waved, i waved, and then he was gone. goodbye, columbian ked.

i'm going to turn on the ac, though my roommate lissa will have my head. costs too much. the thermostat is in the basement with the pickled beets and gigantic spiders. i'll try to avoid both.

i wish i hadn't deleted that entry. it might have been worth something.

i'm going outside to smoke and have my hair frizz in the humidity. mi work 12 hours tomorrow, but i don't mind. the river is a good place to be, even in this heat. the fish get me.

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12:28 am - banging it out
so. i'm new to the online journal trend, but here's my first. i feel like i should write an introduction, but i don't want to bore you. i'm a 23yearold wannabee architect in backwater alabama. right now, i design dams. exciting, no? i'm just going to search through my interests and see who likes what i like, so if i add you, that's why. don't be frightened, haha.

my cat just licked my big toe. i think she thinks i'm tuna. not a good sign.

thanks, babs baby, for the code. i hope i do you proud.

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